Periodically, the creator of Kill.Me.Twice. will write various investigations on the things that make people want to kill themselves, twice.

Ah, The Crying Baby issue. Everyone knows what I’m talking about: There you are, at a movie, hypnotized by someone’s life that isn’t yours, and just as Julie is going about to discover that Ricardo, her stunningly handsome lover, only has 20 minutes to live (shocking. I know), a loud-mouthed, overweight toddler starts screaming as loud as humanly possible. Kill.Me.Twice.

Now, there are the 4 basic responses to this situation.

1) You start instantly crying at the thought that it is a plot twist, and Julie’s newborn baby will never get the chance to know Ricardo, its father. And then continue bawling as you think back on the childhood father figure you were deprived of, blah blah blah.

2) You give a the ugliest death glare to the poor parents of the baby, but have to uncomfortably wait until they see you do this, which may take upward of 10 minutes.

3) You do nothing, but continue on in life despising children, eventually owning 35-too-many pets and being the subject of “Animal Hording”.

4) Giving the child’s parents no time to quiet their baby, you stand up, start screaming in their direction, yelling various phrases as: “HEy, I did NOT spend $25 to listen to THAT THING all movie” or “Whoa there [insert racial slur here], quiet down yo’ baby, You have NO RIGHT bringing IT in here.” or my personal favorite, “WHO’S BABY IS CRYING!?!” as though it isn’t obvious at all, and asking that question will somehow help the parents think “ohhhh, MY baby is crying. Ok, I guess I should leave.” (?)

No matter what option is chosen, the crying baby situation is a common one. And commonly makes people want to kill themselves twice.  In the end, everyone misses the fate of Ricardo and Julie, but it doesn’t really matter because Ricardo is saved by a miraculous twist of fate caused by his love for Julie. What a lame ending, Kill.Me.Twice.

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